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Alternate Title:
The Cataclysm (Volume XIII, Issue 7)
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New College of Florida
New College of Florida
Place of Publication:
Sarasota, Fla.
Creation Date:
April 1, 2001


Subjects / Keywords:
History -- New College (Sarasota, Fla.)
newspaper   ( sobekcm )
government publication (state, provincial, terriorial, dependent)   ( marcgt )
College student newspapers and periodicals
College publications
Spatial Coverage:
United States -- Florida -- Sarasota


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Four page issue of the student produced newspaper. Includes an April's Fool edition titled, "Cataclysm." Issue is missing pages.
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Volume X/JI, Issue 7 eb sh to rs by l\ idu 1 m il-ot 1 D ln a urp move.. Florida Governor Jch Dush toured th : 'cw C.olll!gc over spring break. cx11mincd facilit" and dtx:laroo he is Mprcpming for the in ::vi I tim when (."W Colle bocom ind<.p:%1dcnt and c ing th. t my admin' !ration N(.w C'ollt:l!l! the cm\\njcwcl ollhc sta univer..ity sy tt..m. ::c an c. ample fi>r the nation that a rcp1 hli an 121 w nor ctn care It higher ooucation. Bush. who will appoint the nin -mcm lxxm:J o LMt tor an ind4'Cnl11 e <.:ampw in Fchruary of 21 X), when be attcr l x1 a banquet at 0 c Rlitl!.ling Museum md ted b cw College stud nt! He added that he's "n tat aU t about tudt:niS ch of ex tL'OCe, if: tim that this college had a real nam .. Bll'>h .. Therefor we've decided to honor the former h<.lll'ie hy nmning thi: om pus Btc h arty ni I en students v/11 be allowed to tay ut an forty-five minutes wilh a igncd note from their par ent The will alw prohibit visitor from entering stud nt dorm rooms unlcs. they have a i. itor pa ... "If have to he in my room carl,, I on t he ab c to vandalize d. ami first in veird nc ugl in<: and r.m ne nf bodil odt r. S mRt; Ptwr: 7


by Dark piky Mistress Kat hr. n Black Widow'' R. Do\ and Jagverydeepbaby Gabriel Davies Ml djuana in .S. Pr ident George Bu. h dropp d a I mb. hell Monday\ h n he announced that h wa. Lning a hill for a the legal IZation of marijuana in the contin ntal mt d tat I'm al o ha king an intu1tiv for the repeal ol npl'n ontain rIa ... he .tatcd. Rcportr pre .. nt <11 the IHCCOH.nt I that lu. a tually did mean "initialh e: Bu. h add J, I m .an the American peo ple hould feel comlurta lc on the road, and ror a lot lJ! American., lcding omf(lrt;1hl rtquire ... n r ln..:shing can of beer." 13u. h al.o laumd thatlh lgali/:tlJon ol mariJuana was a "hahy lcp" in a l.trga plan to .. eliminate the tion.., th:tl k cp otherwise cood, tl tanding iti/.cns 10m re -tn rgi/ing their lla) v. ith a line oL coke, or rei a. inc in front of the 1 Vat c end of a long d:ty with some 'lud s. ir Force 'et bomb House In the l addition to a Iring ol .. lri ndly-firc incident an Air Fon.e j(t accidentally decimated the White Hou c on Friday. c pre idcnt and vice president were atlcnding a con er cn c al \h lime, M) neither wa hurt. coJiapse immediately after h aring lhc news in what doctors declared an "unrelated" heart attack. Spoke persons tor the Air Force for the incident, saying they were testing new targeting programs, and the bomb wa. meant to be dropped in the Atlanti Ocean. White house officials have de nied rumor that thi bombing had anything to do with a scheduled is it hy former Vice President AI Gore, which had hecn cancelled Thursday evening. lin er planet ucked toward sun ll Cl'ln't be explained by modern sci ence, but :-.IASA ha conhrmcd that the inner planets arc being drawn toward NEWS OF THE WORL the sun at an alannin' rate. "We don't \)\'\ what the hell i. going a top '\SA official stated in an cmcr cnty l N mmit 1ucsdav. ''All we know is that the inner planct. arc being sucked tmvard the "un at an alarming rate, :md we can't .lop it!" Pre. ident Bu. h adv1 c. people to rc mam c.tlm. "Citi:rcn of Amcrka, and the world," he said in :m ,.ith the uni cr. \'m starr n '\,:(! I h tril:. a a in NASA\' projection ofrhe m/ar system in three Say your prayer.<> no-: pic the Way." He explained a lengthy agenda of chanclling more tax money toward "good, Chri. tian organizations, like the Boy Scouts and the Vatican .. n. an an crushing sen cot profound grie[ There i nothing you can do to make Jess

The Catalyst NEWS April 1, 2001 7 Long-time restaura t serves up local cuisne b y Ryan Price New College stu<.knt: a \ alk on the wild sid of .. n:daimcd l:ui inc" run, not walk or mo. cv or ("antcr do :1. n to :Vtt on the onndscur':-. palate to he hat! in the Sarasota area. 'he i" h:ud to find for nut 'ivcn (;Xplkit dmx:lluns which arc never given hx:ated as it is hehind a large L"onscnator.. ft-. uming exterior gtve: itth look or a maintcnam:c l>Ort. "nd thc(;onstant roar of fans on l y aid tha t il-lu ion. lllosc in th e know" arc aware t ha t t hose fan s arc a mu t for restaur;mt s pccialiting in Casa Maison C h a t eau's u nique cuisin<., however, uue t o E P A standards. When wal ing in t he door, din<.rs arc greeted by Mssr. WilliamR obert Binkley, a[fcctionatel kiW\ n as ..Billy-Bob." lie i. both head w:titcr and head dld', well a. owner of the He c.rcet. p:t tro n s. knowing many uf them hy name ami blood rd:t'ion to hi:. own e:tcn ive lamily, and li. toft c d:ty'.-. sptcial in his amu in' l:tconic drawl. Yup, down hy the41, y'know, we done found a g n-yoo-winc Frenc h poodl e, on'y a bit s moos hed. Think il W !orth fer a !40 c .. time, in my gnmdpapr. grandpappy wa a lillk'un. But in c them big road:-. 'Ol put in all 'cro .., the coun tic .. l fig_rcreu that there'd be all )fts o' meat just layin' there, \ aitin' lcr an cn lerprisin' oul I ik m :-.ell to come . Luckily, New College Club NAClD ( ude ActivL ts Creating Illicit Disturbance) ho gradually di .sipatcd in the last year, but according to hidden community sources, it will soon return with a vengeance. A Cataclysm scoop h:ts uncovered a tenon t cell secretl y promoting "nudity unity" on campu This c ell called Group NACED (Nuuists Appropriating Clothes t o End Discrimina tion), ha been actively engineering the o -called "Codcname : SHOWYOURSTUFF." The cruel intentions of this Group ACED are to actually steal clothe from variou staff members, faculty and admini tration until they arc lorccd to come to campus in --you guessed it, their birthday suits. The NACED manifesto, made avail able to members of the Cataclysm states, "Only together may we end the evil clothing empire. The world as we know il must change, and it i n 't going to happen when people arc wearing pants. The actions of this way-too lib cratin organization have included having baby raccoons, being naked and eating pizza. Except for the pizz..a this behav ior is unacceptable in accor dance with the decency laws we strictly abide by. The Cataclysm wa provided a rare interview with the terrorist leaders. This reporter was blindfolded and led far away from the bench outside of Pci's third court and introduced to Yigg1s Kccm and Savre..o.;ar Da ts the cruel, angry and unu ually h andsome spokesmen of the group. Together the) stated, "We nrc to make these wecnics nuuist:-., nether thcv like it or not." They con i. tcntly ah Hit the ot the grou p and i ts idea l ism. "We arc not doing this to be funny. and we will never apol ogi / C for our ac They ac t ua ll y believed they were making headway through recru i t ing. Statements were made concernin g the great likelihood of lhier having well over fifty pro. pcctive tudents in their ranks by th1s t1mc next year. OLherwisc, the. group appears to be crcd. surprisingly it included varioli.S powerful community member : second-year June Gwalthney, second-year Matt MazzuckciiL and first-year Thomas Patte on just to name a rew. Other name were withheld because the Calacly\-m was afraid to lo e SAC funding Running the risk of moralizing, l w ill that everything this group stands for is wrong. We do not need nu d i ty on tbi campus things are too wild already. The popularity of Palm Court Drunk Funk Tuel day i another exam ple of studenl'> wa ting their lime being "crazy college :.-.tudcnts." Here is ames sage to those of you out hiuden out there that came here expecting to run naked through the wind: we know you are out there, and ew College isn't going to stand for crazinc:s anymore. Novo protect yoursel terrorists are coming. ol only are they going to take off their clothes, but they arc planning to take your off too. Lcttc1 t o T h e Editor: A reader's response to pre v ious article or letter : or an opi nio n that is ir tended to be s h ared w ith the b o dy. Gratuitou cu sin g 1 Hccep tab l e. If you p lan t o w r it e libelou statements a bout peo p le, please pell thei r names correctly Editors are l azy and don't feel like fi, ing your mistakes. A fur editorials, we just don't care if you disagree with us. written by someone not nn staff about something that no one on staff wants or cares to write about. Contributions should be in formative and not contain spelling errors a certain editor can not spell well, so why not do us alI a favor. Guest Column: A solicited opin1 ion piece. Guest columns do not necessarily represent the views of the Cataclysm alth ugh they probably will if the columns make fun of people we don't like or think are silly. All contributions hould be ac companied with a bribe of some sort in order to appear in the next week's is ue by Friday at 5 p.m. Retraction The golf carts used by the campus police were not stolen at gun-point lrom the Palm Aire Country Club. Corred:ion In last wecks editorial, "'Indepcndenee docs not rock our face off," the Cataclysm mistakenly reported that "Senator John McKay lures children into his gingerbread bou e." The line should have read ... Senate President John McKay lures children into his gingerbread hou e." The Cataclysm apologizes for any embam:smcnt caused by this error.


8 The Catalyst ANNOUNCEMENTS April 1, 2001 t Upcoming "themed weeks": Alternative relationships awareness week Corne out and learn that intimacy doesn't just happen between two peo ple! Monday: Discussion, "Three, four, or more?" Share your thoughts and experiences on how many people are "too many" for a relationship. Thesday: Lecture, "Having a threesome outside the bedroom." A married "triple" teache how to fit a three-person marriage into social situations. Wednesday: Lecture, "Sodomy statutes and other repression in the 50 stales." Thursday: Palrnophilia Barbeque, Palm Court. Friday: Interactive activity Contact for more information. Psychedelic experiences week Join alumnus Rick Doblin, Ph.D., to learn about classic psychedelics, newer drugs, organic alternatives, and more! Public policy oriented. From the Editors The Cataclysm now maintains a blacklist of students who are banned for life (or until they graduate, whichever comes first) from all quotations in our publication. This list includes: anyone with a stupid catch-phrase, anyone ap pearing in three or more consecutive issues, and anyone else whom we find annoying. You know who you arc. Writers soliciting quotes from these individuals will be publicly flogged. From the Commencements Selection Committee We are proud to announce the selec tion of a fine new orator for our next New College commencement proceed ings: a Mr. Jeremy Springer. Mr. Springer is a renowned lawyer, news correspondent, and former politician. His current projects include a one-hour talk TV show entitled "The Jerry Springer Show," for which he has won seven Emmy awards. Students in attendance are advised that the proceedings may be televised for artis tic reasons. Chanting in unison will be permitted. SLAC MINUTES 3/31 *First order of business: The first request *The foUrth proposal was made by Jeffrey was made by Kat Dow on behalf of her stu-Blue, on behalf of Jeffrey Blue's campus dent-run for leat her a nd other ma t eri als for manu facturing home-made whips sturdy lumber for construction of "specialized" furniture and funding for six weeks worth of adv tisements in the Cataclysm. The SAC would be proud to ftmd an establishment so obviously beneficial to the student population. and we arc glad to hear that the Cataclysm is fina1ly getting an ad. A mo tion to allocate $10,350 was approved tmanimously on the condition tl1at Kat's '"n"'"' .. loan some of the aforementioned equipment for use in the Fetish Ball. *The second proposal was made by Lisa Deale Bowalk on behalf of the Organic Gardening tutorial. She is requesting $15 for plastic watering cans. However. she DID NOT FILL OUT THE FORMS COR RECTLY. We all yelled at her until she cried. and then voted unanimously to allo cate $0.00. Then we laughed so hard we nearly choked on our Thai Bangkok. *The third proposal was made by June Gwalthncy on behalf of Group ACED. She is requesting $500 for pizza and bail money to get Yiggis Kcem and Sm resar Davis out of Sarasota County Jail The SAC is opposed to having students in jail and in favor of nudit). A motion was made to allocate $300 to pay for piua and the re lease of Yiggis, but not Savrcsar. It was passed unanimously. on the grounds that NACED would reimburse us in stolen clotlung. yellow. A motion was made to alloca te $120 in order to paint all of the New College Community Bikes anything other than that shit1y orange color. It was unani mously approved. *The fifth proposal was made by the SAC. We were requesting that we allocate our selves $13,000 for an all-expenses paid trip to Vegas. We decided that, while this rrright at fust seem frivolous. we have an excel lent chance at turning a profit. There >vas some discussion of whether we should make individual votes on ho"' much to al locate on blackjack. slots and craps, but in the end \Ve decided to vote on one lump sum and to keep whatever was left over for ourselves. The motion was of course unan imously approved. *The si:....1h proposal was made by Max Campbell, Mike Sanderson. and Zac Konkol on behalf of tl1e Cataclysm. They arc requesting $9.000 to buy solid gold clubs with which to beat their re porters. a rack, to be purchased from KatiHyn Dow's Playtime Dungeon, and some seeds to grow rare African orchids in the Pub Lab. They said that if the money was not allocated. the) would no longer edit the SAC minutes for content in the usual manner. Ho\\cvcr, we arc not sus ceptible to blackmail. We know that the Cataclysm staff would never l1ave the guts to publish what actually goes on here. The editors left crying, like the pathetic ,.,. usses they arc. Allocated: $ZERO. 3.19.2001_, 2:13 a.m. Michael Jackson stghting reported at College Hall. Investigating officer discovered one whtte glove w/ rhinestones at the scene. 3.21.2001, 12:00 p.m. Exposure of sexual organs. Approximately 20 New College students and faculty did remove their clothing and streak a gathering of Republican politicians and New College Foundation members. Two students ar rested. Suspects are charged with 20 counts of indecent exposure, one count of con spua9' to commit indecency. One Foundation member treated for shock. 3.26.2001, 3:00p.m. Tresspassmg. Officers re sponded to reports of a suspicious individual lurking around Third Court Pei. A man identifying himself as State Senate President John warnmg. 3.26.2001, 3:05 p.m. Third Court Pei declares indepen dence from USF. 4.1.2001, 4:45 a.m. Report of battery and attemP.ted murder in Dort lounge. Officers called paramedics and rushed to the scene; discovered four New College students laugh ing hysterically and screaming "April Fools!" Students arrested for posses sion of illegal narcotics and slapped around a little. 4.3.2001, 3:15 a.m. Noise complaint. Enraged screams reported issuing from Hamilton Center Publications lab. Officer responding to the scene discovered three Cataclysm editors plotting to murder their reporters due to missed deadlines. Subjects se dated and referred to Parkview House for treat ment. Advertisement Kathryn Dow's Dungeon Play-Place Hi, neighbors! We've set up shop just down south on the Tamiami Trail (formerly the location of the New College band room) as part of my thesis project. We offer the very best in floggers, clamps, silk ropes, leather and bondage hoods and gear. Novo Collegians are excep tionally welcome-come on by, to shop or just to browse! X Finest BDSM adult toys and fetish erotica in the Sarasota-Bradenton atea. xour products already listed first-rate in Hustler magazine. XFour professional fern dommes on staff. XComplimentary birth day spankings and gift baskets. X15% discount on evetything with valid student ID! (Sorry kids, customers must be over I 8 to enter.)

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