New College of Florida Brilliantly Unique; Uniquely Brilliant



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Features New Simpsons movie, Opinion: Democracy does not work -page 7 Volume XI, Issue 6 Eddie Izzard to perform at Sudakoff News C-store to be replaced with campus bar -page2 I find your lack of faith disturbing Aprils, 2000 Officer Roarty retires from Cantpus Police Roarty s departure may be the herald of a new era of oppression By Kathryn "Red Dow dents and staff alike that this is no bake cookies for the police, and the !he days of on the Pub longer the place for him. "Students cops always smiled. Now that stu Offic.e wall.s, the pleasures don't have any respect for the camdent-police relations have gotten so by Shanon the Gnome" Ingles of m one s own dorm ro. om, pus cops anymore," said second-year strained, even Hugh seems to be Yes, renowned Brit comic and lk h wa w1t a (and Catalyst online editor) frowning through his cigarette." Eddie Izzard will be performing in radwacttve ahen soda are N1kk1 Kostyun. The growing lack of Third-year JC Carandang called the Sudakoff Center on May 10. His to a close. freedom we respect is mutual, though. As Roarty retirement "a shame" and said he rehsh has a beatmg from our put it, "the at New College would miss "pitting [his] evil genius own abuse of 1t, and after ten used to be a fnendly resource to the against [Roarty's] cold, steely cuncrazed New College students : on the force, These days, I feel like the ning." second-years Nadia Stegeman, Roarty IS retmng from JOb requirements have changed." Roarty hasn't yet decided how Alison Jacobs, and Catalyst Staff h1s position. Certainly 'F t' 't th h M b N"kki K . ascts tsn m e came s gomg to spend h1s retrrement. em er 1 ostyun. announced h1s m pus police job description, but when Although New College students The threesome began efforts last a meetmg 29, other students openly defy authority, perhope he will don a new suit and besemester to contact Izzard's ca.mpus P?hce smffled. 9metly and haps the authority has no choice but come the area's first superhero, he is American agent, in hopes of entic-w1ped theu eyes surrephhously. to become a little less tolerant. more inclined to quit crime-fighting ing Izzard to visit New College "New College isn't what it was This growing divide between stualtogether. "Perhaps I'll take on a during his American tour "Circ.le." when I started work he dents and campus police has made it part-time job as a taxi driver," he They were in luck: "After a series of lamented. _When Roarty JOlDed the clear to Roarty that this is no longer quipped in his characteristic "New hopeful e-mails, references, and campus pohce force, he felt that New the place for him. "This is my last York Smoker" voice. ran om uc was to .QQa,u w the fax number of his American vide between cops agent in New York," explained almost non existent. Now, I feel like Kostyun. I'm playing middleman for these In January, the three decided to kids." attend one of Izzard's shows in New College will certainly miss Philadelphia during Spring Break. Roarty, but it seems appare:1t to students, a officers, but my time has come and gone. I'm outmoded." Alena Scandura commented: "This used to be a place where students would They knew that this was their chance to pitch their idea to Izzard and his agent. First, they agreed to send a fax to New York that de scribed New College's unique culture and political activism. "Nadia, Alison and I brainstormed on what the fax would say. We sent it around the middle of January," S.W.A.T. team called in to deal with raccoons said Kostyun. To their surprise, the agent replied asking some more questions about the college. "He asked about orgies," giggled Stegeman,"and I wrote 'Welcome Home.' "In February, about a week after I got the tickets to the show in Phi1ly, Eddie, himself, called me on the phone." Kostyun exclaimed, "It took two seconds to recognize his voice and I about pissed in my pants .. .I was talking to Eddie Izzard on the phone. Just me and no one else! "At the end of the call, no deci sion was really made. He left it open ended and pretty much said his agents would decide." The three didn't get their answer "IZZARD" ON PAGE 10 I Raccoons seize Deans office; demand more garbage, fewer locking lids. by Reverend Raccoon-Slayer Ryan McCormick Price, Ph.D, M.D., Esq. Sarasota authorities have sum moned the aid of a NYPD S.W.A.T. division to deal with the newest on slaught of the notorious New College raccoon population. The fuzzy beasts have been in total control of Cook Hall, particu larly the office of Dean Bassis, for over two weeks now. This period of tense negotiations and escalating threat has resulted in the brutal scratchings of three secretaries, two Sarasota police officers and a janitor whose name has not been released, believed to be a relative of jazz leg end Thelonious Monk. All victims were treated at the scene before being rushed off to the newly-established IRC (Intensive Raccoon Care) Ward of Sarasota Memorial Hospital, and are now confirmed to be in "whiny" condition, complaining constantly about their thirst while foaming at the mouth. It is known at this time that the raccoons seized Cook Hall at 7:13 am on March 28, charging en masse past the secretary without asking for an appointment and forcing the Dean into flight with a hostile display of puffing up and hissing aggressively. While they have not expressed any demands or any particular inten tions, some poignant thoughts were revealed in a rare interview with the Catalyst by the raccoon chief B liekkissrach, who said: "HISSS! Kaakk, grrppp, MEEP!" before becoming distracted by a passing butterfly, breaking off the interview. When newly-arrived S.W.A.T. captain Dan Grzybowski heard the procyonid's comments, he replied: "Oh, yeah?" The captain then slammed a clip into his submachine gun, switched it to full automatic, and fired into all the windows of the Dean's office. The raccoons within responded with a hail of pinecones that drove police back to the shelter of College Hall. Regarding the tense situation, third-year student Michael Olson had this to say: "If the S.W.A.T. team successfully eliminates the 'raccoon threat,' there shall be no ob stacles in the way of the GREAT COCKROACH REVOLUTION! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He was quickly dragged away by men in white coats, with no further comment. Aside from the relative minority of blattarian monarchs, opinion among New College students seems to be strongly, even fanatically in favor of the raccoon's hostile politi cal actions. "It's good, I guess," said Chris Shrappa, first-year student, in a stunning example of the fervor of i'RA.CC()()NS" ON PAGE 10


2 The Catalyst News Apri l 5 2000 Bush Promises to Declare War on Alaska In a move certain to cause politicians to take notice around the world 8 Republican candidate George Bush, Jr., has promised to lower skyrock c =.. eting gas prices by declaring war on neighboring Alaska. "They think ] they're so smug, hiding all that oil up there! We'll fix 'em! And what t kind of a name for a city is Juneau anyway? said the earnest Texan, be fore being dragged away by his aides. Alaska Declares Independence Close on the heels of Bush's threats, the former state of Alaska, now the Free Republic of Petrolania, declared their sovereignty along with their intentions to raise oil prices to "phenomenally absurd" levels. With regards to Bush's statement, the Alaskans (Petrolanians) replied: "Come get some." Pro Wrestlers Sweep Gubenetorial Elections Following Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura's shocking election to the seat of governor, other wrestlers got in on the act and managed to gar ner an amazing amount of support. Their followers forced elections in 25 states, with wrestlers on every ballot. Those elections saw the ap pointment of governor/wrestlers Ric Flair (North Carolina), Hulk Hogan (California), Jerry "The King" Lawler (Tennessee), "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (Texas), and Mick "Mankind/Dude Love/Cactus Jack" Foley elected governor of our very own Florida. When asked about what pro grams he intended to initiate, Governor Foley replied Bang-bang before wrapping himself in barbed wire, setting his body aflame, and hurling himself through a table. This is considered the boldest move taken by a Florida governor in 30 years. 1 Out of 5 Americans is Possessed! Says a recent study by Johns Hopkins University in conjunction with Harvard Divinity School and the S.E.T.I program. Scientists and doc tors from all three institutions have determined that 20% of the American population have become possessed by hostile alien entities from the planet Betelgeuse most likely through spores. The study warns that we must beware, for these Americans could at any moment reach full alien maturation and immediately begin destroying all they see with terr i ble heat beams shot from their eyes ". Fuzzy Kitten Plays With String A kitten, suspected to be calico and answering to the name Floofy," was recently seen toying with a ball of what is suspected to be red yam. His motives are unknown at this time. Woody Allen Converts to Mormonism Famed director, screenwriter, and comedian Woody Allen has taken the vow of Mormonism in order to indulge in the religious practice of polygamy. His current wife, Sun Yi, appears to be strongly in favor of the change, looking forward to spending time with Allen's new wives. Allen's new religion may have unexpected effects on his new films; his new project is to be entitled "I Married Hannah and Her Sisters" Truman Capote Brought Back from the Dead Researchers at the Cryonic Institute for the Restoration of Interesting People made a recent breakthrough, bringing author Truman Capote back to life. The resurrected author's first act will be to rewrite Breakfast at Tiffany :S. C-store moving to make room for student bar The main goal bar is to place the social function of alcohol in a more positive light By Ben "Bombastic" Ruby life." Sumrow, who is 20 years old, New College students over the age of 21 a r e in vit e d to th e ba r start ing a t 10 pm for free drinks. The plan, according to Sumrow, is to "get everyone there good and hammered, and then have a discussion on names." they will be. No one w ants to g o all Say goodbye to the C-Store. In a organiz e d the proj ec t b u t w as n ot move which has most students in able to obtain a liquor license on her paroxysms of joy, the space that once own because she was too young housed the C-Store will now house a Fortunately, thesis student Sarah fully functional, fully licensed bar. Foley was wiJling to lend her valid The switch is not without precedent. Florida ID to the bar's cause. The Before Marriott expanded into the Cbar, which Foley says will be run at Store area, students ran a bar there as most exclusively by Sumrow, is part of a tutorial on bartending. technically under Foley' oversight. Now, at the impetus of first-year "I think bartending is an important Kim Sumrow, the C-Store will be a lesson in responsibility, so I was bar again. happy to help. I also knew that "When I first got the idea for re[Sumrow] made a killer screwconverting the C-Store into a bar, it driver." wasn't so that students would have The bar, which will open in the easy access to liquor," said Sumrow. next few weeks, has yet to be named. "I simply thought that it would pro-The "Name the Bar Drinkathon" will vide a focal point for campus social take place on Monday April 7th. All So what is to be the fate of our erstwhile C-Store? By Friday of this week the C-Store will be moved into the Marriott serving area, as during the ISP period. Sumrow says that all feedback she has encountered so far has been positive. "I just don't think New College attracts fundamentally 'straight-edge' people. Even if the people who talk to me are not 21 yet, they can anticipate the day when the way to ABC Liquo rs f o r liquor. Catalyst Copy Editrix Kathryn Dow is overjoyed about the change. "I'm too lazy to go all the way to Shell for beer, but it's an important element in copy editing Now, it's convenient!" she exclaimed. The startup money for the bar was provided by a non-profit organi zation called The Society for the Elimination of Harmful Stereotypes About Alcohol. The press release stated that "SEHSAA thinks it's very important to bring alcohol to the next generation." The Cataclysm is available on the World Wide Web at http://www.sar. usfedu/-catalyst/ General Editor Sbanon "the Gnome" Ingles Layout Editors "Maniac" Mario Rodriguez and Mike "the Scoop" Sanderson Copy Editor Kathryn "Red lnk" Dow Managing Editor Ben "Bombastic" Ruby Online Editor and Business Manger Nikki "Dung Baby" Kostyun Photography Heather "the Heater" Whitmore The Cataclysm is a joke that fools people every year because we are so clever. Or some thing like lhat. It is developed in the New College Publications Office using Adobe Photoshop and Quark Xpress for PowerMacintosh and printed at the Bradenton Herald with money provided by the New College Student Alliance. Direct submissions and angry letters should be sent to: The Catalyst 5700 N. Tamiami Tr. Box #75 Sarasota, FL 34243 catalyst@virtu.sar. usf edu We encourage all contributions and submission Of course we have no intention of publishing any letter or contribution no matter how "meaningful" it may be. But, we will use the opportunity to laugh at you at our meetings. In fact, that's the only reason we encourage your submissions at all. Staff Writers Max "the Man" Campbell, Darren "Danger" Guild, Kelly "the Killer'' Jones, Reverend Raccoon-Slayer Ryan McCormick Price, Ph.D, M D Esq., "Lethal" Leah Scbnelbach If it is not obvious, everything on pages 1 ,2, 7 and 8 is fake and should not be taken seriously. All quotes, facts, and absurdisms are completely fictional and should not be taken seriously. If you are not amused, feel free to write us a letter. Everything on pages 3, 4, 5, and 6 is real and not made up in the tradition of the Catalyst.


3 News News of tbe World -page4 News Goldmark speaks on foreign policy -pageS Volume XI, Issue 6 april fools! AprilS, 2000 Fall 2000 admissions sees more interest and applications Recruitment initiatives and nationwide advertising appear to be paying off. by Nikki Kostyun Inquiries. Files. Applications. Acceptance. Enrollment. Scholarships. The cycle of recruitment and entrance is a familiar one to the New College Office of Admissions. As the Fall 2000 rotation winds down, the time comes to make statistical comparisons to previous years and to other schools of higher education, as well as plans and hopes for future entering classes. To understand Admissions analyses, one must first understand the vocab ulary of admissions. When someone interested in New College contacts the school in any form: phone, e-mail, postal mail, they are categorized as an inquiry. If after receiving inquiry information the student again contacts the school, a file is started on the individual. From that point completed appli cations, admitted students, students who decide to enroll (i.e. make a housing deposit), and various analyses in between that let the Admissions office com pare the entering class to the class the year before, and to competitor schools. As of March 16, the Fa112000 admissions s e ason received 6418 inquiri es, a 10 % increase fr o m the s ame w e ek in 1 999. From th ose inq u ir i es the Admission s Offic e h as seen a 32% i n creas e in completed applications, re ceiving 351 so far as compared to 265 the same time last spring. The fraction of completed applications from inquir i es, denoted conversion rate, is curre ntl 5.4% a o/C accepted 246 of the 351 applicants, 50 of which have already a hous ing deposit. This time last year only 35 people had made a Mter the admissions cycle is complete much more data 1s and taken into consideration, such as standardized test scores and h1gh GPA One statistic that will be drawn is the Yield is the percen! of_accepted students who enroll. For the 1999 entenng class New Colleges yaeld was 60% "Our yield is fabulous. All of our competitors are envious of our yield," commented Kathleen Killion, New College's Director of Admissions and Campus Financial Aid. Killion described our competitors as other "schools with non-traditional or rigorous academic programs." In a 1998 memoran dum to the New College Faculty, Killion outlined competitor schools, basing the ranks on how many students New College loses to a particular school. For out-of-state applicants, Oberlin College was the number one competitor for the Fall 1998 entering class. University of Florida was the number one competitor with respect to the in-state, male, and female applicant categories. Accepted applicants categorized as part of the "Underrepresented Population," or non-Caucasian population, were most lost to Harvard University and University of Miami. Killion explained that most of New College s competitors yield is 20-40% Another area of concern t o New College Admissions is that of diversity, and effo r t s t o in crease d ivers it y a mon g th e s tude n t popu l a ti o n In July of 1999, then Assistant Director of Admissions and 199 1 Ne w Coll e ge Alu mn u s Natalie Arsenault submitted a report within the Admissions O ffi c e. The Report was titled "Diversity Initiatives Annual Report: Fall 1999 Activities." As part of her job description, Aisenau\t detailed m ajor recTUitrnent initia.. t1 .. and plann f:l visitiBg d1verse and muitJ-culturat college fairS aS Nad0111111 .Jilfpltlill!' College Fairs and the St. Petersburg _Fest in Tarpon Springs. The initiatives also included marhn_gs of to Centers of Excellence, Upward Bound, and the Natwnal Hrspamc Institute. The as sociations to be considered in the future included the National Hispanic Scholarship Fund, theiSEE ON PAGE 5 I Students make pilgrimage to Philadelphia to see Eddie Izzard Eddie Izzard s hilarious new show "Circle" has themes reminiscent of his previous comedic work. lectual humor or the way he looks in drag. by Shanon Ingles Four New College students, including this reporter, boarded a train last Tuesday evening, March 27, to embark on a twenty hour journey to Philadelphia. The sole son these poor college students agreed to s1t in cramped seats, eat overpriced bad food, and spend their semester savings: to British comic Eddie Izzard perform h1s newest show "Circle." The best thing from since Monty Python, Izzard made his big American splash with his show "Dress to Kill," which was aired on HBO last summer. Immediately, he became many students' newest obsession. Izzarrl, however, isn't new to the comedy scene. As one of the biggest comics in Britain, he made it into the Guirmess Book of World Records as the comic that performed for the second largest audience ever (Victor Borga taking first place). It's hard to say just what makes Izzard so popular. Perhaps it's his unpretentious intel-Two New College students pose for a Eddie Izzard inside the Painted Bride. From left to nght: Altson Jacobs, Nadia Stegeman, and Eddie Izzard. Maybe it's the way he forgets his and is mystenously funnier for at. Edd1e Izzard is just charismatic. He could stand a stage, say nothing and people would be rolling in their seats. As Brit comedy gtant John Cleese puts it, Izzard is the "funniest man on Earth." That's why four college students went out of their way to pay homage to their favorite comedian. The group consisted of second years Alison Jacobs, Nadia Stegeman, Catalyst Staff Member Nikki Kostyun and Catalyst General Editor Shanon Ingles. The performance took place at the Painted Bride in historic Philadelphia. The building was covered in splattered paint, glued on glass and other shiny substances. The theater shone like a beacon to the four Eddie-obsessed students. Luckily, the group managed to snag front row seats at the same level as the I I'" stage. "It was great!We were at grom eve exclaimed [sEE "EDDIE" ON PAGE 4 I


.. 4 The Catalvst Nathan King: Tougher than Dracula Nathan King, 12, is recuperating in Helena, Mont., after early-March open-heart surgery to remove a pencil that he had fallen on lunging = for a football. All told, before surgery began, c:1 King spent more than two hours with the pent' cil embedded in his heart, and if anyone had removed it, he would have died almost instantly. (King's welcome-home present from neighbors: a sweatshirt reading "Tougher Than Dracula.") Bill Gates tights Guilty verdict Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates is fighting a ruling that his company acted in violation of US antitrust laws. Microsoft has been con victed of deliberately undermining competition in the Internet browser industry by "unlawfully tying" it's browser, Internet Explorer, to the Windows software. If the appeal does not go through, sanctions may be imposed on Microsoft as soon as this summer. DiCaprio plays new role Leonardo DiCaprio got thrust into the role of journalist by President Clinton in what was supposed to be part of an hour-long special on the environment. ABC News sent DiCaprio to the white house, where he and the president were supposed to engage in a walking tour of the facility to discuss ways that it might be News made more ecologically sound. Instead, the president offered an impromptu sit-down inter view, where he discussed his environmental policies for about 15 minutes. ABC News, who is hosting the program, feels that the seg ment may not air, citing concerns that their journalism not be compromised. News Chief David Westin wrote in an e-mail on Wednesday that "all roles of journalist must be played by journalists." Wisconsin Man apprehended, trees safe A 45-year-old man was identified by police in February as the one who had recently taped as many as 100 vials of water to trees in Milwaukee and suburbs (though at press time, he had not been charged with a crime). He told police that he was testing the frequencies of radio stations because one of them had been bombarding him with signals. Though he did not explain the role of the vials, he vowed to send the test results to the FCC. The man's son, 17, said he was a good father but that sometimes he neglects his medication. Firewalking gains popularity Dressed in ritualistic robes, Japanese mys tics step onto scorching hot coals. As the flames flicker around their feet and calves, they walk peacefully on, seemingly unbothered by the heat. This practice of firewalking, an April 5, 2000 ancient tradition, has had something of a resur gence in Japanese culture of late. Associated Press Writer Eric Talmadge followed in the mystics' footsteps, as did many spectators who had come to watch the ceremony. Though the coals can reach nearly 1000 degrees-human flesh chars at half that temperature-the walk ers can cross the 15-foot path fairly safely due to the slow rate at which wood conducts heat. The resulting feeling of spiritual accomplish ment has the practice gaining a great deal of popularity. As firewalker Hideo Uehara puts it: "It's not so hard. But that's not important. It's the religious aspect that I'm here for." Bush and Gore both going strong Election polls show George Bush Jr. and AI Gore to be neck and neck for the fall 2000 campaign. Gore is scoring higher in the polls on issues of education, but Bush is gaining stronger support for policies on crime and the economy. As November approaches, the Catalyst would like to remind students to register to vote ... before it is too late. Information compiled from the Associated Press, Reuters, and News of the Weird. ian Izzard okes fun at yanks {FROM "EtJDIE" PAGE 3 j Jacobs in regard to the excellent location of the seats. "Circle." Izzard suggests that the United States is the new "Evil Empire," explaining why most other nations despise Americans so much. But never fear, he estimates that this empire's downfall will happen in the next fifty years. All this, of course, with a dopey smile. Izzard's new show "Circle" is a kind of metaphor for all his perfor mances: two-hour comedy marathons that go off on long tangents, but always come back to his favorite subject matter. "His intelligence and obvi ous obsession with history is unique as far as most comedians go. It makes for comedy subjects I've never heard before, as well as fact-filled jokes that poke fun at other countries. That's always good; especially when it's France," commented Kostyun. Most of Izzard's comic material revolves around history, politics, reli gion, international idiosyncrasies, and Star Wars. "Circle" is no different . revisltmg these themes and expanding upon them. Izzard loves to pick on American idiosyncrasies, such as high-fiving and gun-toting. Yet, he isn't subtle about his infatuation with certain facets of American culture. In "Dress to Kill," he asserts that the Star Wars Trilogy is an allegory for the American revolution. The British Empire cast as the "Evil Empire" and the Americans as the "Rebels." He turns this parable

5 The Catalyst News Peter speaks on American Foreign Polic Goldmark IS currently the Chtef Executive Officer of the International Herald Tribune. Y by Leah Scbnelbach April 5, 2000 Peter C. Goldmark came to New College on Thursda aft the next three to. five rears. He said that all of them talked about not finda speech on economic foreign policy. He used anecdotes y d ernoon gtve mg personal or but none of them mentioned any to make point, which was basically that Arneri: problems, hke an envuonmental crisis. The one outside influence an active member m global community. they dtd talk about was the States' practice of tampering with food. ?oldmark has a umque Vtew of the United States' international relations. The students were concerned WtthAmerica "forcing them to eat hormonally He ts currently the CEO of the International Herald Trib E r h 1 fed beef." guage newspap_er bas_ed in France. He has spent the une, an ng ts anGoldmark then tried experiment. He said that most people lived past two years m Pans, but prior to this position he Goldmark said that most Europeans m an arena consciousness of their own creation. was president of the Rockefeller Foundation in history, most people have been the eth-New York City, and prior to that taught at 'the th. k th U d S me maJonty. Most humans knew their own tribe 1n e nite tates wants to d h Putney School in Vermont. ?n t e tribes near them looked quite similar. Then, Those in attendance included only four students ak th ld m the middle of this century, people's arena of con-and about a dozen older people. Goldmark asked t e over e wor He himself sees sciousness shifted, and became globaL the audience to move forward, so he could address Most people today consider themselves and their everyone personally and asked everyone to tell him United States as ambivalent about gro.up a This is the first generation in a little bit about himself or herself. whtch there ts no ethnic majority, which Goldmark Goldmark said that most Europeans think the their role as a world power. sees as a tremendous opportunity to create dialogue United States wants to take over the world. He him-between nations. He also compared the earth's atStates as ambivalen. t about their role as a world power. He mosphere to a layer of Saran Wrap to impress upon exp t at u_ropeans Amencan culture as ubiquitous, and that they the audtence how fragile it is. Finally, he asked the four to go to each everythmg commg from America as a unified culture. Most comer of the room, and asked everyone if there was a pineapple in the the on the other hand, see this culture as a conglomeration of the No o_ne seemed sure, but then, your own reporter did indeed find a many dtfferent and styles that have transplanted themselves to this m a bag her feet, which was applauded by the audience. country. IS concerned with staying in touch with the viewpoints of Thtrd-year Curtts Sarles, one of the students who attended Goldmark's t E _sa. id he was "impressed with the talk, and with the level of social reyounger tons. very year, he chooses about twelve college-age peob 1 t [G ld ] pie, _and them to a dinner: Then he asks them what they think of sponst 1 t y o mark possessed." Student Marylee Bussard added, "I foretgn p_ohcy, ,the_ state of the envtronment, and other important topt'cs. would have}tked to have seen more in attendance." She agreed with A h d Sarles that a lot of what he addressed ts relevant to social activism." t t IS years mner, he asked the students what they were most afraid of "Underr '' iFROM "ADMISSIONS" ON PAGE 3 I Fulfillment Fund, College Foundation Scholarships, in which a -student is and the Hispanic Leadership Opportunity Programs. guaranteed at least $1,000 a year for four years. $25,000, In August of 1999, Arsenault left for graduate school coming from both USF and the New College at the University of Florida. A failed search for her reFoundation, will be disbursed to the five Heritage placement has left her position open since then. Hence, Scholarship winners. The Heritage Scholars have been only a few of these initiatives Admissions has accepted 70 males and chosen and will be named at the were able to be carried out for the April 12 faculty meeting. The re-FaU 2000 recruiting cycle. 176 c al th. AJth h maining $235,000 will come "Th 11 d h' h 1em es 1s season. oug f diff USF f' e rea y sa t mg ts t at, rom rune erent manced despite the fact we did all the inischolarships, including the USF tiatives outlined in this report, this ratio may seem unbalanced, it is Excellence Award and the Florida which was a big change from the Academic Scholar (FAS) previous year, it had very little im-typical of a liberal arts school. Enhancement Awards. pact on the number of applications The Admissions Office con tin-from students of color," comues its rolling process, and based mented Killion on past cycles and enrollment goals, the department ex-In 1998, 131 files were created for prospectives who pects to close the class around July 1st. In addition to the indicated an ethnicity classified as underrepresented. In new introductory brochure launched this semester, which 1999 there were 162, and as of March 7th, 152 have been is distributed in response to all inquiries, Admissions created for Fall 2000. Despite the small differences, the will release another informational brochure this June. Admissions Office will continue all of the initiatives The publication is called a "yield piece," and is targeted once Arsenault's position is filled. towards students who have already been admitted and New College tudents have also been concerned with have yet to make a housing deposit. gender ratio. So far this year Admissions has accepted 70 males and 176 females. Last year at this time 59 males and 107 females had been admitted. The final ratio for the Fall 1999 class was 2:3, male to female. However, Killion explained that "our gender ratio mirrors what is happening all over the country. Most liberal arts colleges have a higher enrollment of women." In 1999, Oberlin College, Hampshire College, and Evergreen State College had the same 2:3 ratio. After being admitted, Fall 2000 prospectives have a chance to be rewarded from a scholarship pool of over $400,000. $140,000 of this will be awarded as New "Current" numbers in this article are current as of Marcb 16, 2000, the twelfth week of the admissions process. All numbers referring to 1999 statistics were from tbe respective twelfth week, unless oth erwise indicated. The Catalyst would like to extend thanks to Kathleen Killion for her contributions to this arti cle. She supplied all the numbers, documents and publications from which tbe infonnation in tbis ar ticle were drawn. Thank you. Contribution reader's response to previ ous articles, letters and/or editorials, or an opinion that is intended to be shared with the student body. Letters to the Editor should be no more than 250 words, and are not a forum for free advertising. Contribution: A factual ar ticle written by someone not on staff. Contributions should be informative and pertinent to the interests of New College students as a whole. Contributions may ran_ge in length from 25050o-words. Guest Column: A solicited opinion piece. Guest columnists do not necessarily represent the views of tlie Catalyst, but rather opinions of which we feel tlie New College commu nity should be made aware. Guest columns may range in length from 250-500 words. All submissions should be received by Friday, J\pril 2 m to appear m the next Issue. No anonymous submissions will be accepted.


6 The Catalyst Announcements t I I I Essays due? Papers looming? Want guidance? Feedback? Help? Dr. Mary Beth Matthews, the new Writing Tutor for New College and University Program students, will be glad to meet with you to discuss your ideas plans, and/or drafts. This wonderful free service is available three days a week: Mondays from 1:00-4:00 Tuesdays from 5:00-8:00 Thursdays from 5:00-8:00 In Preview Room 222 in the Media Center You can arrange a meeting in severa l ways: 1. Email Dr. Matthews at prof matthews @ 2. Sign the sign-up sheet po s t e d on the Preview room door. 3. D r op by during the posted hours. Be sure to take advantage of this great opportunity! Remember, the Contract Renegotiation Deadline is April 28 Thank you, Kelly The New College Foundation would like to convey their thanks for the support of the members of the student body during this years Action Auction. Students were very gracious in allowing the Foundation to use Hamilton Center for this important event. "Under the Big Top" was extremely success ful. The Foundation raised a grand total of $271, 938! After expenses of abou t $62, 0 00, the Foundation should net around $209, 938! Again, the foundation is grateful for all the student support and participation. ?000/?001 RA Stall RAs: Chuck Ferran Maxine Gomez, Elizabeth Ella, Patnck Vietri, Katie Helms, Ellen Wolfgang, Hill, Cathy. Heath, Rochelle Curry, Cyndy Ekle, Maggae Ray, Jessaca Turner, and Keith Yannessa. Alternates: Michael Shannon, Lisa Pokorski, and Andrea Thomas Split-year Alternates: Sam Ozer and Lori Zurkuhlen missing. SPECIAL REPORT: Estimated value: $200 TWO SUSPECTS WERE ARRESTED FOR THE FOR 3.29.00 THE FEBRUARY ASSAULT Burglary (residence) in Pei's OF OFFICERS MARION 2nd Court. Unknown AND CALITRI. person(s) entered an unlocked dorm room, which was unoc3.23.00 cupied. Subjects then Theft, petit (bike). destroyed a rock band poster Unknown person(s) unlawfulJy that victim had banging on rem o v ed victim's bicycle, wall. which waa parked in front of V alue of p oster: $2. 00 the RPA boildin e b e was a Silver Giant brand, Acapalco 26" women's bike. The chain and Jock are a lso ---. --. CAREER CENT ER Jobs: Peace Corp : Looking for more minorities to become Volunteers and represent the true diversity of the United States. Lend technical expertise to developing countries and at the same time, provide a balance in cultural exchange. To learn more about the Peace Corps, check out the website at Outbound: Choose from two summer programs. Camp Counselors Outbound: Outbound provides placement for Americans in Russian and Venezuelan youth camps Work Experience Outbound: Outbound allows Americans to work 4-12 months in various positions in Australia and New Zealand.t All programs provide a working visa For more information check out their website: Internships: Orion Grassroots Network Free Internship Service: A network of over 240 grassroots organizations listing internships in the following categories: administration, conservation, education, outreach, research, and other. Check out The Orion Society's website: if interested in an environmental internship. Summer Programs: Institute on Philanthropy and Voluntary Service ( a residential program for college undergraduates that explores the role of the nonprofit sector. t The Institute combines internships, classroom study on philanthropy and voluntary service, and dialogues with promi nent non-profit leaders. This program is for students who are engaged in tutoring, mento r ing or community s ervice programs, and who are interested in c a reer s in civic service t Application deadline is April 15, 2000. Cost of program is $2950 that includes Indiana University tuition (6 credits), housing, books, registration fees and activity fee. Scholarships: Undergraduate Scholarship Program for Individuals from Disadvantaged Backgrounds (UGSP): The National Institutes of Health (NIH) offers an innovative program to support the career development of the next generation of biomedical health researchers The UGSP has a strong mentoring and science enrichment component and offers up to $20,000 per year in financial aid for educational expenses. The service requirement is an attractive 10-week paid laboratory-based internship at NIH, offered in the summer after the scholarship year. After graduation recipients also "pay-back" a year of service for each year of scholarship support through paid research training at the NIH More information and application can be found at website: Application deadline: April 28, 2000. Florida Minority Pre-law Scholarships: The specific goal of the Pre-law Scholarship Program is to increase the opportunity for historically disadvantaged minority college students to prepare for law school. Full tuition, fees, room and board, plus $700 each year for books and $800 for a LSAT prep. Course. Applications are available in the Career Center. Application deadline: May 31, 2000. For more information, stop by the Career Resource Center, PME 119.


7 The Catalyst News April 5, 2000 The Simpsons will finally come to the big screen In controversial move, studio recasts voices of some traditional Simpson characters. by Max "the Man" CampbeU Truly today is a glorious day for fans of The Simpsons everywhere After 11 seasons of high quality network programming, Matt Groening s much-beloved Simpsons family is hitting the theaters at last. Simpsons on the Big Screen (the official shorthand for the film s full title, The Simpson Family's Colossal CinematographicalAdventure) is scheduled for official re lease on April 28 of this year. A special advance screening was hosted at Bums Court Cinemas over the weekend for the local chapter of The Official Simpsons Liturgy and Debating Society, of which this reporter is a proud member. The showing revealed a film loaded with comedy, pathos, and the gratuitous violence and nudity which earned it a restricted (R) rating Produced by Gracie Films and Twentieth Century Fox the film made some impressive and dramatic changes from the regular substance of the TV series, which Groening accredited in a New York Times interview to the "persistent goading" of director Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Cowboy Santa's Holiday Ho-down.) Much of the movie's music is the work of Danny Elfman, but the sound track does not shy away from the use of classical works to punctuate some of the more moving scenes, such as the soft strains of Beethoven playing when Waylan Smithers (voice of Harry Shearer) pro fesses his love to Mr. Burns (voice of Sean Connery), and the Mozart when Chief Wiggum (voice of Harrison Ford) is trampled by a herd of caribou. Indeed, for many long-standing fans of the series, the voice talent that went into the film may well be one of its least welcome aspects. It seems that the producers felt compelled to insert as many high-profile stars into the cast as possible, even at the expense of some rather painful readjustments on the part of the listener. Dan Castellaneta remains the voice of Homer and Grandpa Simpson, but the substitution of Sandra Bullock for Julie Kavner as the voice of Marge came as a rather unpleasant surprise. Some of the other high-profile "guest voices" went more smoothly, such as Danny DeVi t o and Kelcey Grammer's reprisals of their roles as Herbert Powell (Homer's l,rother) and i d es h o w B ob, respectively. It remains to be seen, however, whether Hugh Grant will be accepted as a believable Bart Simpson. Others familiar with the series may be displeased with the drastic reinter pretations of some characters, such as Krusty the Clown (voice of Bill Murray) having abruptly converting to Buddhism, or Grandpa Simpson's re turn to childhood via a "youth-ray." Nonetheless, it cannot be denied that this trend of putting a new spin on old characters makes for a refreshingly novel experience. Whether such changes will be carried over to the television se ries remains to be seen. There do seem to be some unique possibilities in the vastly enlarged roles given to some of the most minor characters of the se ries, as is the case with Santa's Little Helper (voice of Brad Pitt) and the Capital City Goofball (voice of Sean Penn). Of course, the clever wit and social satire of the series is certainly present in the movie, from Homer's opening comment that "deforestation sucks" (which brought down the house at the preview) to the cinematic climax of the film, when George W. Bush is burned at the stake by a mob of angry Springfieldians. In other ways, the film fails to deliver. The plot itself is a rather disjointed affair which bears a frightening resemblance to Field of Dreams, saved only by a delightful spoof of Weekend at Bernie's II which takes place near the very end of the ftlm. Matt Groening's cameo appearance as himself early in the movie is rather trite and self-indulgent (he claims that he invented the Internet, and implies that Love Story is. based on his own life). Nonetheless, there's enough of The Simpsons in Simpsons .on the Big Screen that it's most definitely worth the trip. Students interested in seeing the film should start saving up their money early on, as widespread protests against the movie's perceived pro-fascist content and repeated obscene puns based on the word "tromboner" have already resulted in its ban in most local theaters. Therefore I would encourage determined Simpsons fans to be pre pared t o c ross t h e c ou n ty l ine a n d c atch the film in Miami or else muster the courage to enter some of the sleazier undergroun d es t a bli s h me nt s close r to home. Like it or lump it, t h is movie isn't to b e mis e d Opinion: Dem ocrac y Does Not Work By Ben "Bombastic" Ruby and Reverend Ryan McConnick Price, Ph.D, M.D., Esq. We at New College have suffered through another useless, ridiculous, overly long, and ulti mately non-binding Town Meeting. We are led to ponder the wisdom of continuing this system of so-called "democracy." Students at New College are by nature either overly opinonated or completely apathetic. Unfortunately, only the overly opinonated student ever takes the trouble to arrive at Town Meetings. There are rarely even enough of them to form a proper quorum. Such an arrangement only leads the tiny, factionalized guerillas of campus politics to speak and re-speak the same points that have been talked thoroughly to death, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The fact is that the current Town Meeting system accomplishes little, inevitably represents the distinct mi nority, and is nothing more than a complete waste qf time and energy, particularly for we who are forced to cover such ludicrous fallacies month after month. It's enough. We offer Novo Collegians a _bet-ter solution; one that has had the trains run on time in Europe since time immemorial: AUTOCRACY! Our currently elected President, Rachael Morris, does a remarkable job representing the interests of the student body as a whole, and goes above and beyond her station con stantly in order to make life for the slack-jawed yokels who fall to show up for Town Meetings. It is past time to give Rachael Morris ab solute authority over all aspects of the student government, from the SAC to the Student Court. In essence, because of the incred ible apathy of New College, the Town Meeting at its best functions only as a rubber stamp for. Rachael Morris' fine ideas, and at 1ts worst acts as a hindrance to the President's crusades. Thus, President Morris should be granted full and unrestrained power. This is not to say that we beheve that Rachael Morris should be bur dened any further with the cares and concerns of the student body; far from it. Rather, we believe that she should have full power of appoint ment and the power to draw from a pool formed by all student govern ment wages to employ assistants and form committees (and dissolve the same) as she sees fit. We see the gleam in the eyes of some power-hungry future Presidents. We wish to stymie such reckless ambition; we do not suggest that this power go to "The President," but rather ONLY to "Rachael Morris." When such time comes, as she should see fit to step down, she shall appoint her succes sor, and she may rule whether her decision shall be ratified. The Town Meetings shall of course continue, so apathetic loud mouths can show up for free pizza. Corrections We at the Cataclysm humbly apologize for our past errors: No member of the Cataclysm staff has ever had sexual relations with a member of the Dutch Royal Family At no time, past, present, or future, has the Cataclysm staff had mystical powers which they used to fight crime. Letter to The Editor: A reader's response to previous articles or let ters; or an opinion that is intended to be shared with the student body. Gratuitous cussing is acceptable. If you plan to write libelous state ments about people, please spell their names correctly. Editors are lazy and don't feel like fixing your mistakes. As for editorials, we just don't care if you disagree with us. Contribution: A factual article written by someone not on staff about something that no one on staff wants or cares to write about. Contributions should be informa tive and not contain spelling errors because a certain editor can not spell well, so why not do her a favor? Guest Column: A solicited opin ion piece. Guest columns do not necessarily represent the views of the Cataclysm although they proba bly will if the columns make fun of people we don't like or think are silly. All contributions should be accom panied with a bribe of some sort in order to appear in the next week's issue by Friday at 5 pm.


8 The Catalyst A Campus Safety Ordinance has been passed, prohibiting the wanton display of armpit hair. We are serious on this one. Damn it, why won't you believe us? Fine, but when the police arrest you for wear ing that tank top, don't blame us. The first presidential debate will be held here on April 18th. Bush and Gore will debate variou points of policy in Sudakoff center. Students will be admitted free of charge. However, contributions to cover the enormous cost of the event are wel come. Contributions should be sent to Box 75. The Organization for the Elimination of All Organization and the Institutionalization of Anarchy will hold their weekly meeting in Hamilton Center next Sunday. Please arrive precisely at 7:00pm. Again, no more armpit hair. Starting next Friday, David Hume's An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals will be required reading in all Natural Science Announcements classes. The finals in those cia ses will be replaced with a ten page paper on Hume's highly important work. Aliens will land behind College Hall on April 30th at 6:24 pm. The aliens will look a lot like people dressed in tinfoil, but do not be fooled by their clever disguises, they are invaders from another world. Therefore, if you see someone dressed in tinfoil, please notify the authorities immedi ately. Except during Fetish Ball. If the aliens enjoy tinfoil, that's nobod ies business but their own. The flower tutorial will hold its orga nizational meeting in front of Hamilton Center on Sunday at 12 pm. All are welcome. The Sailing Club will hold a bake sale outside of the Jane Bancroft Cook Library. Proceeds from the bake sale will go towards buying a forty foot yacht. A Town Meeting will be held in Palm Court at 8 pm, April 6th. Gourmet food will be served by liv eried servants. The new Dean and Warden of New College, who happens to enjoy dressing in tinfoil, will take office to morrow. Warden Bassis 's replacement, Gudyar the Destroyer, was called in after Warden Bassis's glasses were found on his chair, along with a pile of ashes. Army recruiters will be giving a talk at New College next month in Sudakoff. Army Sergeant lmnota Realperson will be giving a lecture called "Why don't you sign on and make something of yourself you damn dirty hippy? You wining lib eral pukes make me sick." Sergeant Realperson will meet with students interested in pursuing a career in the military after the lecture. Starting on April lOth the empty rooms in the Viking Dorms will be rented to the public. Many assume that most of the business will come from businessmen who need a place to stay near the airport, and hookers. Ok, just a parting reminder, please don't be so flagrant about displaying that armpit hair. It's for your own good. J -3 20.00 Sighting of a very small per son picking berries in the woods behind 3rd court. 3.22.00 Noise complaint. The source was an hysterical NC student, screaming "I only sweat in one armpit!" 3.25.00 NC student reported seeing dung baby dumped in trash can outside rant court. Investigation yielded only poop. 3.26.00 NC Students caught fencing on overpass during exam week. Though the fight was broken up by Campus Police, the feud allegedly continues. Incidents of students mutter ing "There can be only one" should be immediately re ported to Campus Police. 3.28.00 NC student reported the theft of a gigantic polka dotted ele phant. The student, who was above the legal age limit, bad consumed an enormous amount of alcohol. The ele-phant was later recovered and returned to its owner. 3.30.00 Officer responded to reports of flying saucers. When the Officers arrived at the scene there was nothing there except scraps of tinfoil. 3.30.00 NC student reported a suspi cious person bicycling along N. Tamiami Trail. The suspect was wearing a ski mask and carrying a Quiki-Mart bag full of money. The student re ported bearing the man scream, "I've done it, I robbed the Bastards" 4.1.00 69 NC students were arrested for violating Florida anti sodomy statutes. Their cases were referred to Student Affairs. 4.3.00 Officers responded to cries of distress as a NC student was attacked by an angry mob of NC students for wearing a tie outside of a job interview The "I don't deserve it" Scholarship contest is beginning. As per the instructions left in the will of the anonymous founder, tbe student who can prove that they do not deserve a scholarship at all will be awarded a full college scholar ship which will also cover graduate education. The selection committee will meet on Friday in the career center. Students who wish to apply for the scholarship should submit any evidence of gross academic, social, moral, per sonal, or business failure to the committee e before then. All sub mitted materials must be notarized. The "I can't get a job" Fair will be held in a back lot behind Viking on Saturday at 2 pm. Conscription Officers will be there as a last re sort. A wealthy Sarasota family is inter ested in hiring a whipping boy for their precocious but lovable twelve year old son. They are willing to pay top dollar to a student in good physical condition who does not hold grudges. The position is part6 ... ...... ...... .. : The Catalyst : $1,897 for printing a Jsp,ecr:al april fools edition issue in leaf. IAIIIOC:ilte4CI:' $1,897 $53, with the stipula tion that the SAC shall participate in the research process to ensure that the money is spent well. Organization: The Organization for Elimination of All Organization and the Institutionalization of Anarchy $72 for party hats time. Yes, there is a life after New College, even if it involves living on the streets. Your parents or the state of Florida isn't going to sub sidize watching television and opening the odd book every once and a while. Suddenly dumpster diving at the Granary becomes a matter of life or death. Getting naked or parading in drag becomes your livelihood. That dialogue be tween Eminem and Dr. Dre that worked so well as a philosophy paper doesn't fly as a corporate memo. The Career Center offers a Vagrancy Internship Program, where you will learn such valuable skills as panhandling, jumping on railway cars, and choosing the Jight heating grate. Prepare for to morrow today. Working Women of Sarasota is looking for qualified pimps to work 41. Character references a must, prior experience preferred.

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