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Blessed Relief


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Blessed Relief
Alternate Title:
Blessed Relief (Volume I, Edition #5)
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New College of Florida
New College of Florida
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Sarasota, Fla.
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October 13, 1978


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History -- New College (Sarasota, Fla.)
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government publication (state, provincial, terriorial, dependent)   ( marcgt )
College student newspapers and periodicals
College publications
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United States -- Florida -- Sarasota


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Fourteen page issue of the student produced newspaper.
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I _/ Volume #1 Edition #5 October 13, 1978 ____ "5-:-___..;;> 1


'}... Vicke!Cs, Regarding that collection of wood-pulp and ink that is callee a "newspaper:" whom are we kidding? !t be nice to disregard the sho=ey quality, (typing, etc.) but that leaves us with content, which the production appea= superlative by comparison. Ho ... eve=-, as ycu ..;cul:! ?robabl:,r attribute such ot"oduction to low {!:ow Wot:t !ow I shall from cocment our first concern the eCitor, whose Iercifully short pieces bare their fangs uncor.tprooisir.gly, yet irrpccer.t:!.y, with snickering malevolence. We are burdened a despot without a populace who scorns his readers, and begs their ranks for conspirators in his battle against good taste. Now about those articles ... they seer.' to be written unde:the theo::;that if profanity is funny, then genitalia are hilarious. Since when are we at recess in third grade? Shit, piss, fuck; we're naughty and we love it. The remaining pieces are either ventures into the tedium of esoterica (running news, WHAT?) or wholly unoriginal (the poetry and short-lived record reviews are direct steals from "Rolling Stone"). The eidtor's attitude suggests that he can affort to make enemies, so why don't any of his creative pitch in to help? Well, if the paper's portrayal of the typical New College student is correct, probably too busy with drugs and to bother writing anything .... In short, if what we are seeing is the best of the pieces submitted, pieces thrown away must be among the sleaziest dregs ever But, t.hen again, !lla::zbe :.s a-sure that :r.any people are delighted with the rrere of t."le word "titties" ... --c. \'eal (Box 463) (I'o !!'ad at the whole world right no<., so you needn't take all of this seriously.) Edic:or's Reolv= Let me"deal with these accusations separately: a) I don't call this a newspaper, I call it a publication. It has yec to define itself as a as a magazine or as else for that matter. b) I have never blan-.ed a low budget for any of the non-::>rofessional asFcCts of this publication. I'm sure you would be comforted to find out that if I did ha;e a lot of money to play around with I'd probably spend it on illicit drugs ar.d sex and leave Blessed Relief looking L,e sa:=e .. c) Yes, I do consider what you are looking at my best people seerr to think that just because I'm the editor I collect =ad prose poetry. In any case, most of it gets printed. Who am I to tell sorr.eone that his or her writing sucks raw eggs? Besides, my prioary goal is to get anybody and e\erybody to contribute son:.ething. Certain ::>eople I have sooken with h<,-,e already core out of their she to some extent and have"beco"e more and asse::-"::ive co to their contributing to this journal. d) Yes, I think a qood of New College students are preoccupied with various and intoxicants. I do think it is unfortunate that all the (quote, unquote) "humor in this publication reflects these preoccupations. I also think it unfortunate that the more serious pieces have a tone which says to me "hey, I'm in college a .nd I can misuse four syllable words. I still like this publication. It has improved and new contributors are appearing every week. Thank you, c. Veal for your eloquent and predominantly constructive criticism. Write again. To Blessed Relief: In Meatball= Your "Bad stereotyping" article was not without humor or accuracy, but one point needs extreme clarification. What the fuel< is "a nukkie?" Any good chauvinist knows that is poontang. {note sp.) [i.e. "baby-deposit-box, "moist mother {mrrm), "tunnel of love," "pink pluwbing," "quivering quim," "juicy junket, "volatile v," "boisterous oyster," "messy muff" etc.) Well you know. Editor' s Reply' Sincerely yours, The .Boys Club I wasn't sure if I should print this but C. Veal' s letter made me realize I ought to. I hope he laughs. Maybe he's right and genitalia is hilarious. Dear Editor, Alriaht vou negative energy types! This-does it. How could you be so as to insinuate r am in the ROTC. I am a bona fide hi?pie and have the long hair, split vellow toenails, calloussed feet, mellow attitude and malaigned chromo somes to or:ove it. Shit, that picture was taken of me in a nature photogz:aphy class how to photograph REAL beauty. These bad vibes have to stoo. Mv head can't take it. I'm 60 cosmic I could shit a rainbow, so lay off grounddweller. Forever baby translation Howdi, Chris sent me a page from your literary effort. Good luck Show the clones some class. on Oevil's island. A.A. Editor's Reply: For the benefit of you new folks, Armen was another around here for the past few years. Xou've probably heard about hJ.s ant1c whether it was mooning a USF class in B .. or writing lewd comments the S.EC minutes. We miss your hair and toenails, Armen. Thanx for


imnressed. The fifth week of the ter.n and this is the best issue of Blessed Relief! And no thanks to yours truly, whose co?tributlon to this issue is feeble and I m busv to make sure my ass is in gear for the of the.terc and colleagues have found time to and the finesc thus :ar this year. No nasty th1s week, no sir! A!:.oot:t sett:!s 1 Science lear to at this carefully. Genuine humor abounds! Not just cheap sex jokes and bad one-liners, but actual satire, comedic hyperbole and, God forbid, calculated puns! Where? You may ask. The Brownie the dog is finely polished. f7cm X.G.B. finally earns its due: it's so scurr1lous I ve ""-"' ., $jia 1 a disclaimer-for it! London and Washington correspondents_Berkow1tz and Guggenheim (no, that's not a law firm!) have come up so;e laughable llls iri? iroo tile >rili ti> >O'J:tls ,\nd. deen scar:: atill re!Dain. ;:a:s :o as aa :.h\!Y ti!..:i. Tte moon seeos no "ystery, like deatil 1s. Ke:1t S. by Phil Lumsden There was tr.e one about the Indian two retarded wives, I have seen twenty hoods on New Haven Beach drinking hot cough syrup: earlv in Bran:ord, on toward Cos Cob, Thanks to our contributors: and he locked his babies in a chicken coop so they run into the street. I mean it sense. So I quit listening again, of these natural disastersr afraid that foam insulation injected through the walls would force itself betNeen the cracks anc Suf:ocate my These things really happen. The trailer court people come anC go As usual. I shaved my legs once And then gave up. I like them Pricklv, It lets :eel like a You kno ... -. r: built-in Damn you you have Added three ::>Ore turns to The there, Three moce separations. These things are real. catching robitussen acid, Norwalk and cause Vito took bus up to White Plains to visit some college girl, and Biff flipped the dinghy out near Long Island, asshole, so you walk, cause who's gonna pick up anxi..>us boys on the highway? I have seen Tavlor hookers lean into cop cars with yellow underwear, wishing the weather would turn so the cops'd go inside, wiggling for lunch on porches, grinning cause l"riday's payday and Ginger's treating for pizza, and the fi john couldn't cozr.e. The girl lose control over a pan of tortillas, even later flipping like an evil strobe, slapping her thighs, hysteria: stinking Mexican stud, seeding in Montreal with the breathing heavy and the clinic wanting papers; saline: the sa!ecrackers, Reuben, said it was a boy. The old wonar. wit.'1 he:c-hand betJeen her The Sonora kids scabies. Kikt!! R!cc twc j um.;:i:.-1 !:.ail and ?leading freedor to her her party where returned downstairs she that he's just drank. kr.;..::: of horse, ;;>a rents i and vou could still smell the horse, Kim Keene Phil Rob Lincoln Michael Armstrong Gary Berkowitz Steven OeVerne Charles Treadwell Herbert S. Kent s. John Weyland Jacqueline Shea Friesen Roger Back111an J. Sanford Arcane The Letter Writers Greg Vickers, editor 3.


4 .. UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA T .:.MPA ST ?ET:O"Sal.llG FORT 'l.lYEAS SARASOTA STUOf!o.!T SAR.O.SOr" C-""-"'"'-'S "S700#t.l TA!I!oiJU ,Ml TPI.:I.CL $AJIIIA.SCT4, Ft.ORJO" XJ510 8t3 .l5'5-:'1Pt College of Cardinals The Vatl.can Ror.:e Italy Dear; 3 !978 On be11alf of the Your.c; Catholics .:>.ssoc:..atcon here at the New College of the,-sl.ty of Sout:. Florida, Sarasota Campus. I would like to express our ex:::-e;re ;rief at of the Holy t>ontl.ff, Pope John Paul I. "!'his hu!!'.ble :oa<' "'Lth his '"'it and wisdom brought hope to ou!: trouolDd world We mourn his death greatly. While it may be inappro?riate this to up the of the Pope's successor, it 1s jUr that the church must proceed at the a new I ar:1 .;ure you r:tany men ..tho ;night of r Catholic who would---if you'll ?ardon the ?un---burst them to ':he se3rs.? Mark A .. Steven is :nan. is dedicated to w1.tty, well urba<'e 1ncel!i1e3c, and loving. r ha;..e '.Jit:.'!'l Eoc a!!".:! if it not con':rary to tr.e I would God us an0cher Son. tt is our !:>elief ::hat: ::his man serve he Church well in the next cumulotous years of this ?lanet. And because of his youth and good health. for ma.::.y more yea::s to come. we ask that you seriously cons1.der man for the posiLion of Pope. P .S. While he was an boy, stole comMunion wafers. oc drank sanc=ified of dur1ng by ob Lincoln the young are no better than the old, though neither are they worse people exist as best they can, and sell what they have to for sanity's sake. ideals exist best internally, to be lived by and not preached. so shout your truths, will your life and soul, not your mouth. and maybe you may even get to like what they are, not what they sound like. I! ever ioes dill it be alrign;? he get ?brl? :r iillie really gets he stre;ch his sovereign soul .l.n:l shOo' us all jus"t r.o "e re::.lly are? ..rell, if he l:!s a new ':/hi ::iouse i:l A'ls'ti:l his pickin' push us on, now? ./ill we neej their goddam., la.

LEditor's Note: It has been at great expense, both or time and money, to this publication to set in motion the wheels or negotiation which enable u s to offer you these excerpts rrom Mr. J. Sanrord Arcane's taped interviews with Lucienne Browning deCharlais. We hope you enjoy it. ARCANE Good afternoon, Brownie. BROWNIE Bon apres-midi, Monsieur Mundane A Arcane B Whatever A There are so many thing that New College wants to know about you, I hardly know where to begin: but let's just start 8 Wait, wait: you were going to say "at the beginning" right? A OK,OK! But how did you rirst come to New College? B: Oh really, now. You mean that after all the times I've been through all that, there's noone left to reiresh your memory? Isn't David Temkin still about? A: The merger, Brownie B Oh. Forgive me. My memory isn't what it used to be you will strike that last part from your notes, won't you? A: Certainly. B Well, where was I? Oh yes. It was 1966, and the Pe dorms were still under construction; I'd been unemployed for about the last five years but wasn't having a hard time of it; Dad left me some funds, what he didn't lose at the track--compulsion, you know, just tore poor old man apart. But I had a few dollars and that I could live in relative ease for the of my years. A: ? u u you re3t uf your family? B: Later, later. Let me go on. I living in relative comfort, I spent a lot of time around Bellm's, the Ringling Jerry's; so I was familiar with the north end or Sarasota. Now this seem like a non-sequiter, but just bear with me. You see, it was the case that the good Mr. Pei, owing, I to his cultural heritage, drank vast quantities of tea, it was also the case, owing to the fact that (albeit I respect some or his irr.ovations} he was a dottering old fool and drooled (pardon my but it is part of the tale) as I say, he drooled almost constantly. Well. his staff had finished all the working drawings for the campus (you notice that it's I.M. Pei & Associates: well, it's the associates who do all the real brainwork. Pei hasn't been around a pen since the 3ancock building started spitting windows like a kid with a mouthful of watermellon seeds) but I digress: they had placed the plans out for his inspection, and Pei was shown in to see them: there was, I understand. one of the newest and most junior partners in the firm followif16 him around with a box of Kleer.ex to mop his chin. The poor chap did his best, what in face of that constant of tannin-stained saliva (I have this from the project chief, who came later to Sarasota to oversee the thing) and he did well, but not well enough. Care ror a cigar? A: No thank you. B Well, the good Mr. Pei lert one droplet of tea-stained ooze on the HC f1oorplan blueprint, and since everyone who worked in New York was to browr.ish dribbles all over the place, they just ignored the whole But with these local well. that ..,as a dif.fe:-er.;: story; they didr.' t kno.,. .,.hat in :tell to do, I mean, ever since van ..-ezel, all cont:racting bids around here have included fees for a part-time psychaiatrist; and with these damned drawings, well I don't blame them. Metric this, avoirdupois that, color-coded courts, and all the while facing the thought of building a floating complex in the bay... So, the interior work was just about done in the HC, when someone noted a small, erose edged brown spot in the atrium, somewhere near the door to Dick Scott's office A: Dale ar,d Randy are back: there now. B: Dick, Dave, Dale. whatever anyway, these poor fellows had just about had it. They didn't dare call New York and invoke the wrath of the old idiot, so they retired to Jerry's bar to decide what 'o do. No one knew what the hell it was supposed to be, plumbing, furniture, who knows. So they resolved to something rather amorphous, brown, something which wouldn't move too much, could be moved if necessary: the last debate was between a dun-colored Castro-Convertible and a worn out set of Britannicas in Morocco leather. But I bumped into the guys at Jerry's that day, and (as they say) the rest was history. A Fascinating; but earlier you mentioned your family. Tell me about your "roots as it were. B: Pine, fine. But before I dre.tge up all that I want to defend my real title. There have been so many misstatements about my name, that I feel like I should take a minute to clear all that up. The moniker in this informal atmosphere is alright with me-is derived from my mother's family name, Browning; Dad's and I claim title to it, though I'm the last of that l1ne, "Charlais," not like those pale, bland, affected milk-monger of who insist upon being called sshhhaaarrr-laaay," but those of BucKingham, or the few from around Highgate; you pronounce it :ny first given name--Lucien.'"le-has also cause1 :ne a lot of grief, and those damned (not that I don't like that language, it's really quite lovely, and very versitile, but don't ever turn an Englishman, much less an Amer1can, loose with it). Anyway, those who thought they were being "oh so contenental" would always pronounce it "le chien," which of course caused ce great embarrassment at times. Whicn leaves only my second given name to dispose which is the of a long-gone branch of Mom's family (they were distantly tied to the Mecklenburger duchy). Idiots simple-mindedly thought everyone was referring to "Jolin's dog, which, nice man that he was, was alright, save for slighting my lineage. So there you have it Browning deCharlais. A I see. What s your favorite "New College" story? B: God, there are so many. I suppose that the David Temkin Shrine is still being toured regularly, so I'll dispense with that. In recent years, there's been less and less to keep one's interest. Oh., well, the most interesting thing about New College is just wandering around and looking about. I mean, the things you can see: people. lashed to a billiards table with their shoes in flames; dancing on the pinball machines; some character singing DieWalkerye, at the top of his lW".gs: Bergwerk and Foster {in pith helmet and "flasher" trenchcoat, respectively) going at it in court, while that character with the psychotic orange hair cuts out paper dolls; a semi-nude woman sitting in a cardboard box in Palm Court insulting someone else's cast-iron genitalia; God, it's endless. But it's always entertaining, n'est-ce pas? A You have a point But let me ask you one more thing before s.


6. Chapter V-'Will the I'eter Iasaks '? Peter sat in the top row ln the bal1in do,.-ntown Sarasota. ex, llhose winter nome il "'Strasota, and the Pittsburgh J?irate5. 3:e refiected that it was a nuisance having to come to a public place to receive his l"St>--..:c tions, but he Wlders tood t.!le reason vby. Since his c01::::mncting e in :Cologna was not ln operation any more, ne would just have tol toJ :erate 111ilcl inconvenience until the .new office in ?ranee efficacious. "!azaks lost himself 1n the action on the !ield. '..lways tended to think of co=::>r.?lace occurences :.:1 !ll:Jsical Se saw a pitcher open the door to 1na he 'r+::her exer"ts force on door; door exer:s a:. ::c:-:er. :;:azus "-'.: an expert in Classical !\ew;:o.::.ia.c so s.:...=.plll! ;;:=obcame easily to him. pi faced :Us !irst "::latter. and Law of Gonservation of :me::-6] "::ee;a..-:. ::> click !:::. -;tee cool .::i.:::C.: -ftle:.lical energy-in the ill tcher's is cor.-;ertel! i:1to e:::.tropy .::d kine tic e&ergy in the :notlo.::: of t!:.e "call. The ua;; connec ;;eC. a resounding crack, tall :::ose !:llc!ll tb.e a!r, and .:ass t!.:nes acceleration; :;.c:t:e r..;.n .,;a:.,.:_ .:.s 330 fee:; .::ut; .-:is is the second time acceleration. 3e added lift force cau.sed by the spin of the bal.l. In less seconds KazaLs had calculated tst the bal1 would 38r feet !'or a home run. wait! Ss sco:1 as had to his conclusion, a man in a 'ihite Sox uniform stopped running stood on the warning track just seven feet from the wall. Re raised hls .dove and cau.g:t. t the "!::all. in the home crowd cheered flee Everyone, that is, except Kazaks, wno mumbled, "Si!.!. I !:ergo-:; to calculate the of !'riction caused by air :!.raE." his off :he 6?me in order to_ avoid ::1;:;:-e _,:::;;ar:!:"as_::._ failures. Ee would ha"<'e to d:J that -:o =air.taic his cover at o: any ti!lle this stupid gaze bored would his contac;; a--rrive? :isit us." "Oh, I hope so!" Fear not. 'ie cannot lose our son. A.:JJ;yway, the schools here are not as t!le 'l'echnical Institute in Moscow. Please don't argue any :nore ..U:.d don't cry. Sverythi::g will be a.ll.-rigbt."


-3-?O a :il::Ysi.eis-: '1/0r::!. :he 'l ":\ow eve::-t -::!".ey to .:L.l. ! t.:U.e!!'L.i saw :L.l !:he O_t:eret_.::ns his skills eould be tc use _n. So :he years wae trained to a l!fe. 7o he would be t[aze3.s, out at :Us as a K.G.3. be Ee rece.:.:ej in al: as pee ta of t!le j:ieysic:J.l sci ences to prel)a..--e !:i::1 for rat-race "J:f acade:llia, :::ost of tas ti:e was t!le ?Ools of espionage. :;cy;t.::fr3:;:!:y, cifhers, ::::io;;oophones, and sl::.ort-..-a':"e radi.::s ":;ec=e a way of life ;ie receiveC. i.n s=all ar=s. soon becace these SiDaJ.l easy for b...i=, .... ::.e ::ie -:?::JCic32.l""l each until it and ould he the ::as :;erinb the Russian lan;;:u.<>.e did.n;-:: e:az: pres en c: a prc'ole:::, !:ieca-'.$e it as b.e 'o'OUld a."ly J" small task. Jurin this did the Co=.mist rulosophy iz ar.y way. They ble'ersuaded a physics professor at t!:te of Moscow write and doctoral theses. :!:ta: provided Kazaks 'la.r: had w oe .,_e:.:.. -::=.:. -:!:e !'lair of a "enir;.s by :oca:i:o.& :he .;ra.ncdaug.-:ar of :tadame Curie. Sile was ir. =d. :;;;:;.glish, e.r.C. she hac a ):as :er' s de,.;ree bioc!:lects trJ. 'dhen Ka:::aL.s ,.ras in l'...:.s :ias;; ]ear of l'.is .Ph.D. proat university of at sent wife-to-he for general research. She to dinner 3r.d pu: 'l. aphrodisiac in fcod. rhei=and ':.n,;, t ;ass!.:.::a -:e 1 e>r ::J.a.I:f years; XlO:'IDil Douglas 3erggre:t had been pulled out of :rorway after -::t:e soclal.:.s t had taken over; David Dykstra had been of the Co=.unis t Part-.t .;.n Prague; and finally Kazaks ar.d Tyler :S:s ' been taken on !or the purpose of corrupting the entire co!4n try of just elite. !.G.B. had considered Passell t they real!.zed ua t .. ork in i:: ';elli;;:ence in tell 5 !tost of the K .. G.3. age::.ts came o"-er with falsi!'.!.ed records .:Z:oo American colleges, so their cover had intact :for years. Or all the K.G.B. agents at :Tew College David ::::l"Jkstra -oosessed the impressive record. bore a."l resemblance to Zrnes <: Ee:ningwey. :ao th had been undercover a -ea -;;s !or t::1e K;G.3., but had also been a double ag;nt for the One evening at a White House dinner, learned of the pl=s of the 3ay or Piga invasioo. E!.e passed the wurd along to his ;{.G .a. contacts, and !lews of the ;?la!l eventually reached the Che ::\ussians reaso:1ed tnat Eiem:!.J:.)

John Phillips parked his car next tc : azG.ks' ir: of ;;e.,. College's Science Buildinc;. li:az.aks-' e:o:;:ine, to:.,_ because he had gotten back fro= the rame. in ar.d knocked on toe door of The voice was the lowest had ever could feel the door vibrate o! tne of SOt:.."lC. n11 ::)r Ee :>riskl:; s-;rode in 2.!1C Sal C. o. JOVl.G.-.. one, ne o, ho1o1 tlaYe VO'-l 'bee,. since ::: last sa...-you? is F.e1lo, John. := well. When did you i!"."tO 1 us. 'ast weekn frir.E;s you into t1lis are<> :; you were at 8. -6Chapter Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are not intended to be taken seriously and do not represent the truth.nor they represent the actual beliefs of anyone connected w1th th1s college or University. Editor's Note: Someone put this in my box and I don't know why. Having a :JM Spot for abandoned literature I found it a home. Fare thee well, little piece of somebody's doctrine, even if you do represent e flagrant violation of some copyright law. Li!)erallsr.l is indeed the source of the widespread belief that right or wrong can only be determined by the preference of the as expressed the Converts to the new religion have felt to replace previously accepted moral absolutes value judgments what is "good" as they perce1ve This has led to the denial of personal responsibility for wrong doing and the in its stead of pressure as the cause of "anti-social behavior. It has led to the of a and prison population coached by liberals to v1e1. as \"l.ctims rather than victimizers of society. It has led t'? :::ebellion autho:::i ty not only in the secular realll\ but even l.ll sue.'! strongholds of philosophical orthodoxy as the Roman Cathollc Chu.rch so::te of whose clergy cefiantly support the "situation ethic5 a ':'heology. It has lee to the assertion bv hanosexuals that t.heH perversions are sU!tply "sexual preferences socially superior to heterosexual expressions because of their contraceotive character. It has lee to the legalization of killing our young vhen their concep tlon lS the unwanted by-product of personal pleasure. Already there are l1berals who urge the legalization of euthanasia as the treatment for the burdensome embarrassing of old Just as demoralized Russia thereby vay for Commur.ism), it na. doinq the thing in the West7rr: part1cularly in the United States. dr' r l.'nl.o Whlcn has soearheaded .cue.'of Lberal'=s oropaaanda :vein the 4C years, is in its own per.nissivis=. And it particular!y irenic th2! S eaaerst1p and been as aE kok:le. '" --...


by Gary note: The author remains stuck in Oxford, known to Oxford students as for good reason. is nllttber 2 in a sPri"s giving =easons to not visit :ne. Don't worry, though, Lor.don is oniy an hour way. This week-British cooking, to begin with, is so bad that defies description. t qave up on it quickly. It consists mostlv of brussel s sorouts, potatoes qrease, animal kidneys, grease, more S?routs, grease, peas, and more potatoes. For dessert, suc;ar sucrose, Just try to get a glass of orange juice, fool. Or a cold can of coca-cola. Britons think Schlitz is the best beer.--v.Du get the idea. When your average gets sick of his owr. cooking, he eats "American. Below is a list of "Are=icen" restaurants (you have lots of these places in the States, don't you?) and what they do to you. Burc;erland: Worse than the L>.plies. Burgers like miniature hockey pucks, Deep Fat Fried, believe it or net. French ?ries, called "chips" [potato chips are called "crisps"] are okay, though. "American Style" shakes are some unidentifiable chemical added to cold water. Pepsi served lukewarm. There are perhaps 200 of these places in England. One burger, coke, and "chips" is about $3.00. Wimpv Bar: !f you know the song to Me, you've heard of Bars. Thousands all over England. Serve mostly platters with hall'burqers, lettuce, chips, salad, etc. I have not been able to muster the courage to go in. Their menu is on the window, and you can see the food inside. Even on the photo the food looks awful. Britons don't seem to mind. About $4-5. Dayville's 32 Flavors: Obviously an imitation Baskin Robbins. Since there are a number of real BR's in England, why come here? I don't know, but many people prefer this "ice cream, which is ice. Sween7y Pizza: [The following remarks apply to all English F1rst O! all, the largest pizza you can g e t is only che size a d1nne: plate. Second, you can only order about 3 toppings one ;azza. Thl.rd, they put very litt:e of whatever vou do ocder on tl">ern. _:._, yreasy and 0dC. .. foiC\.!: ':! o : the da!T'n things at least to be full, [if he ;::o ma::h ther], and cost $2.50 for one. If you're lucky, it will come burned. McDonald's: Found only in London, so =ar. SlightJ. y more e>Oensive .than 1n The fact that these seat 300 people and are ,:; b -.

wi\\ start run Q Ol week tor bulJetifl type ads and so h.c.ttq+ions 0 '{o\A wr\te


suicidal? Well, believe you've got it easy CCt?r :o= wee.<:s. She was .,.e=i r:s her Casual Corner finery, I, crus-:y bedshee"ts. I "You are imbedded in my She: ":ust checking. d'ya I "It is a school of mucn diversi'ty, She "I luv it. I: "It's so unusual to see you here. I'm used to seeing you among the tiles. 5 he: "Same here. i:e you. I: rts good know you are so near by. I 'll i:-:1:0 :rou soon again, g>.J.ess." Tnis was origirally going to be a record review of the second alblll!:, ;.ore ,),bou't 3u!.1

Putney Swope is the riotous outburst of all the insurgent fantasies that filmmaker Robert Downey repressed during his doomed career i n the advertising world. Downey's view of Madison Avenue has Putney Swope, mild mannered token black in his advertising firm transformed into the chairman of the board of Truth and Soul, Inc. Robert Downey In the words of Robert Downey, "It's symbolic of everything." "It is funny, sophomoric brilliant, disjointed, marvelous, unintelligible and relevant." Vincent Canby New York Times "It's all as Mad Comics would have it, 'humor in the jugular vein.' It has the raucous truth of a cry from the balcony or the blea c hers There's vigor in this vulgarity." Richard Schicke/ "A mind-blowing racial satire of exuberant originality ... timely, tough, relevant, and equally important, hilariously funny." joseph Ge/mis, Newsday "I don't mind if you calJ some of my pictures tasteless. I love bad taste. It makes the day go faster." Robert Downey You no Yet showed Prolonge1 :ife 12. Y.ade :r:e .,.,a i o see 1 i fe s{! And Arour-.d life*s corner-. SOU'-' lrT> M'etlC! PUTNEY SWOPE" R Wrolteft Mel O.recled by Rabet1, ,. cw-5 Release "Full of contradictions life. me. from all convictions ways, :::nvelop me. I NaS !"lot ':orn. .!:nto a single. solid plac" Nas poured. Arid thinly I flo..,ed. In all Spread out, Into many little streams. and without perfections. Jacqueline Shea


For a minute, it looked like backstage with a stranded Major Bowes unit, until Tom started rolling numerous libidinal chords out of the Steinway, and nobody knew what was going on. Hard to figure the SEC sometimes. Anyhow things soon were underway with the Chairthing lambasting inflated budget proposals. but giving an understanding nod cause ever'body wuz doin' it. Jerry Huston (Alumnus) and A MeA Miller (Aluminum) spoke eloquently to the subject of Student Chair for College, their eloquence punctuated from the back row oy Dr. Mudge's firey head-nods of Applause and the snapping of poptops echoed. Dr. Miller continued, but shifted the subject to his 12 year old, I mean, the magazine. The Chairman takes advantage of Miller's running the show to make a hasty visit to the Pei toilet. Suddenly is a blinding flash; all eyes turn to the projection booth to see if Curtis has been electrocuted by a Bell & Kowell. but no, from a puff of smoke on stage appears Dr. George Mayer. who announces that he's just dropped in from the century to tell everyone about the Medieval Fair, which he does. A thunderclap, applause, another flash, and he's off to the 1l!.th century again. Mudge suggests that if we could bottle whatever it is that empowers him to do that, we'd all be rich. Money starts bouncing about; _Fine Arts and get 5.100, promise to be good boys and to and the Medieval Fair; 1 .1 00 goes "o fl1cks 1n .. he person of the Film Committee and a terribly circular debate ensues over policy and FC and FG and everyone else who wants ciner:.a-Koloski, not to be confused, as CampusNews was, with Kolakowski, makes a to the effect of Andy Devine Film Festivals, and :.tudge echoes Wl. th a plug for Annette ?unicello-but_in the_ end, Academic the Shakespeare Films, come out WLth own $300, draws some kind of hex sign on the floor and mutters someth1ng 1n Latin. The building quakes for a second. The Chairman's Pentel RRolling Writer explodes spraying ink all o:er he shrieks oh thit!";Biggers pretends that he s Ell1s for about 20 minutes and begs for and they :nd up with $500; Camping & Trail the SEC for not pay1ng full attention to their privately raised out get $575. and swear to be back later; 'NNCR causes the to speak out of and shames him into a profuse 1f inane appology, and so, they take their $550 and start up all the pinched discs from the station; Folk Dance gets $100 to try themselves out for I. and prove that thP.'re their clogs; $72 for trasncans for Carol to stuff cans. and then $20 for Matt Brown for something to do we1ghts and such; Dance take a piddling $520 without much argum7nt: $?00 ends up in Sailing, McDonald and namilton discuss the po1nts of boats while the Chaircretin looks Greg gets $40 so Angie can type; Bill Brown and the RA's an R&B outfit) gets $300 (or did I mention that before?); Sam g1ves $200 from Drama to match the SEC's $300 to match private (i.e., Saras<;>tal _o':'cks to bring the 0 trabonda Company to var\llezel (the van 'II us the hall and by some odd we get the proceeds over the $500 figure; ask Ken, I don't comprendstu} ; $80 goes to buy new balls for the soccer team (must be one hell of a rough sport .. ); $600 for SEC sec/treas for the year. $1000 for SEC Chair -man -woman -primate -person -plant -cushion for the year $500 fol." publications. a minimum. adds the alert body 1 400 goes into SEC A&S discretionary reserve for terms II & III to Robinhood School of Ballroom Poetry, Phones, exvenses, Lobbying costs, SCSG, and many more and $1,373 1s left in the SG account for the same or other purposes as above. If I've mentioned everyone, the btotal comes up to $22,750, which. oh-so-conveniently, nappens to e our A&S to tal for the year. Applause, Ken_Holloway goes well thank god" and opens a beer. and.everyone Jumps up and down, before falling on their faces. floats two feet off of the floor, and. as Tom on the ivories. he shrieks whats up next week doc. Wluch amounts to the next paragraph. paragraph. Committees have always been a thorn in the the SEC, and it's time to wake the fUck up or forget the_Job, 1.e. _(I know, Iknow, five "i e.,'s" in one column is a slgn_of feeble-mindedness, out what the hell) Admissions, EPC, FSC, and the divisional reps had better keep the SEC posted on what's going on at division and other meetings. oh and by way f?r SASC too, or they'll get yelled at with that he is tired of flack from the and other groups because SEC doesn't know what's go1ng on, and th: reps need to start a new procedure for reporting to. the SEC; Cha1rdrunk then yells something unintelligible about Fund, and says that if we don't get on the proverbial 1n next week, we might as well put our heads back our ass and pass Friday evenings jerking off in the tunnels. (Or maybe jerk Friday evenings passing gas in the And there's matching funds, provided we can get our 1deas through to the Foundation (who will benefit, and who the (pardon me, "whom the"') SEC needs for back-up if we're going to to too much about the deal, and H.C. cleanup, which we can't not practice. but can't afford, and shouldn't have to afford. and on and on and on until everyone was out of the TA retching on their sneakers. As footnotes, Dr. A. MeA. (or as the Sarasota Journal once called him "Amca Miller") proposed a "Leave It to Beaver Film Festival" but insisted that it was not to have Jerry Mathers or not even Hugh Beaumont, not Tony Dow, appearing 1n one wasn't redundant, as I am here) frame. (Use your even Brownie the pooch laughed.) Oh, and Dr. Mudge (or did I mention this?) got $200 from SEC (mot1on proposed by the firily eloquent Dr. Lincoln, which shows how. persuasive and polished rhetoric can be); and after mucn gavel banging, the whole thing degenerated once more into the appearance of a defunct Vaudeville troupe in a sleaze piano bar. having fun, and pretending nobility. to: screams of P:ivate Fund and otHer student responsibil k1ss for such a nifty, really neat-o. top notch p1ece of 'cause otherwise, you'd all be left in the proverbial (I know, that's twice for that one) dark. ---J, Sanford Arcane ., IMPORTANT: Campus Council elections will be held this Monday through Thursday; please show up to vote CbilirpersQil.


--' BoB, KATE 'tv :IN vJITfl 'fCJ{(. ptp/Jlt; f\ ,..,tJ +'L> t-JIe A JOf3! 7H(I'IO (5, GUYS GoTilt fff.f .. fJ M: Al.(. Tlflr1 (OU#fS IS THAT I 6cf A 66'0[) J rot.-(A N,. f{6y/ -

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